George Carlin: All Honor To His Name

GC as I like to call him, finally gave into God's requested encore in the sky last week. Face it, the man already survived the 60's protests, 70's Drugs 'n Disco, the 80's Drugs 'n New Wave, 3 previous heart attacks and our current President's shitshow; so I think he and our laugh motors finally deserved a rest. If we could all put our lives on a hold for a moment and rehash the sarcastic and yet simply perfect perspective that this iconic human being gave us...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as ...mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
30. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

One Word: PUPPIES

This is so disgustingly cute, you might have to upon viewing a. immediately see a dentist due to the 32 instantly created cavities or b. call in deathly sick to work because you contracted "Nothing beats puppies scampering in a field disease." Either way I wish this video never ended.

There could be a class 25 hurricane (slash) 12.2 earthquake with a side of nuclear holocaust E.L.E. going on outside my front door and I'd be peachy keen all because of this video. It is pretty much the equivalent of running into a naked Megan Fox riding a unicorn, who happens to be head over heels hopelessly attracted to late 20s, freckled, LTD employed, minimally insured, broke dudes. Everyone can dream right? Mine just happen to be last night around 3:15 AM (awkward pause pause) And cue cute ass video ummm.... now.

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=37149621

MTV YO Raps REBORN!

New feature to the DnN site is classic hiphop music video Wednesday (I just hope I can remember to keep this up) Since MTV no longer plays videos, consider it my own version of MTV Yo Raps. Here are a couple of my favs since I've missed about 27 wednesdays in 2008 already. Cristal and hyper color tees for EVERYONE!!!!! We're half way to the weekend with a soda on the side!

48-28

It's June 24th, 2008!

48-28 is currently the Cub's record. Their home winning streak is currently 14 games in a row and they are 32 and 8 for the season. They are currently the Boston Celtics of baseball if you will and I WILL! If you know anything or appreciate anything about baseball, you know this is just unreal.

The Cub's current record could only be rivaled by this from last night:

http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200806232991136

Hey Chicago What'd You Say?!!?!?!?

Its funny that the weather in Oregon is finally "summer" but here I sit at work dreaming of October playoff baseball. I can't help it, call me names, but the Cubs are 45-28 and are the last team in the majors to lose three games in a row. (Please end it there boys lets not make that a habit.)

Here's good olde Lou at his professional soccer tryout.

Having been a Cubs fan for a long as I've known about baseball (no cheesy backstory), I now invite all of you to become one as well. If you don't already have a team consider THIS an official band wagon invite. Come suffer with me if you feel adventurous. (If you need an Evite, just send me your email address and it will be on its way.) Need tips? Hells yes you do and ESPN's DJ Gallo can only put it best...

"So, fancy a bandwagon jump? Here are 10 steps to doing it right:

1. Pick your bandwagon. It goes without saying that you first have to search for an appropriate bandwagon to jump onto. So look high. Look low. Actually, just look high. You are a bandwagon jumper, after all -- only the teams at the top of the standings should be attractive to you.

2. Stock up on gear. If you are going to be a respectable bandwagon fan, you need to have all the coolest new team-logo apparel. T-shirts, hats, beach towels, drink cozies -- all of it. Think twice about dropping $150 on an official team jersey, however. You'll wish you had that money back when you inevitably leap off this bandwagon and latch onto another one in a few months. Bandwagon-jumping requires measured financial investment. If you spend too much, you might feel tied to a team even when it starts losing. Yuck!
Also, never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, get a team-logo tattoo. Remember, you are a bandwagon fan. You might feel caught up in the excitement now, that this is finally the team you will stay with forever. But you are wrong. You will stray again. And there is no going back from a tattoo. Somewhere in Alaska, there is a sad man walking the streets, stuck forever with a tattoo he got on his chest in 1993, of the Charlotte Hornets' logo.

3. Get the family involved. Now that you are plastered with team apparel, it's time to get the wife and kids on board as well. You'll want to get the Mrs. a pink team shirt. A pink hat, too. Maybe even a jean jacket with the team logo on the back in rhinestones. Classy! Junior also will need some gear, like T-shirts, a bib and a hat. Remember: Jumping on a bandwagon can be a wonderful experience for the entire family. An opportunity like this might not come along for several more months!

4. Create a connection. Deep down, even the biggest bandwagon fans know they are spineless, depraved sorts. That's why they feel the need to invent some sort of lifelong bond to their current team of choice. You need to do the same, so that when you are pushed by skeptics as to why you suddenly root for Team X from 3,000 miles away, you can say: "What?! I have been a fan since I was a kid. You see, it all began when … ." And then you throw in some concocted story about loving the team since before you even escaped the womb.
For instance, if you feel like being Member No. 37,465,989 on the Boston Red Sox bandwagon, try this: "I am not a bandwagon Red Sox fan! My relatives are originally from Massachusetts. I still have family there." And then, just don't mention that you are referring to the pilgrims as your relatives and America as your family.

5. Research, Part 1: Get the basics. Jumping on a bandwagon requires due diligence. So flip on a sports radio show from your new team's home city and listen for 15 minutes. You'll soon know who is totally awesome and who is a disgrace and should be immediately released/traded/fired. Now you are sufficiently informed! Feel free to share your new knowledge freely. And loudly.
If you know how to pronounce Ryan Theriot's name, you're on your way to being a Cubs fan.

Sending the Sox back to the Southside in style!

6. Research, Part 2: Go a little deeper... Want to rebuff the claims that you are nothing but a bandwagon fan? A lowly parasite? Then take five minutes to learn how to pronounce an obscure player's name. Would a bandwagon fan know Ryan Theriot's name is pronounced Terry-O, not Therry-O, Therry-Ot or Terry-Ot? Of course not! It's an insane proposition! You are a true fan!
Now, take five more minutes and do some research online to find a player on your new team's roster who has been called underrated. Feel free to drop this newfound tidbit as often as possible in your conversations with friends and acquaintances about the team: "Sure, [star players X, Y and Z] are great. But I don't think [underrated player] gets enough credit."
Oh, snap! Look who's an insider all of a sudden!

7. Research, Part 3: Learn whom to hate. Part of being a fan -- bandwagon or otherwise -- is working up a good hatred for your favorite team's big rival. As a bandwagon fan, you are lucky -- like new love, young hate is strong and memorable. And there's no quicker way to prove your fan bona fides than by heckling the fans of your rival. Just hope those fans don't remember your face a few months from now when you jump on their bandwagon after your current team hits a rough patch.

8. Take on the identity of the team and its fan base. You have put in the work. You have spent more than $100 on T-shirts, hats and other stuff. You have dedicated some 30 minutes of time to researching your new team. No one can question your commitment now! So feel free to start referring to the team not as "them" but as "we." Call yourself a member of "[Team X] Nation." And make sure to talk about all your suffering. You, a devoted lifetime fan, have waited so long for a championship! For it was days and days ago that your beloved Celtics won a championship. And four long months before that when your Giants won the Super Bowl. The humanity! Won't someone save you? Will you not get to experience 100 championships in your lifetime?

9. Avoid "real" fans. These people think they are better than you. They think because they actually do have real family from Massachusetts or wherever, or because they have invested 30 years in a team instead of 30 minutes, that they somehow are more die-hard than you. They will be suspicious of you. They will ask you questions that can tread dangerously close to revealing that you know little more than how to pronounce "Theriot" or the name of that one underrated player. Shame on them! How dare they try to make you feel guilty for being a bandwagon fan! They are the stupid ones for wasting time rooting for bad teams, right?
So steer clear of these people. And whatever you do, don't let them anywhere near your car. They might get the wrong impression when they see that your bumper is covered in Red Sox, Yankees, Lakers, Celtics, Cowboys, Patriots, USC football and Duke basketball stickers. As though it's your fault that you have deep, childhood ties to all those teams!

10. Get a car flag. When Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong planted a United States flag on the moon in 1969, it signified that we had expanded the realm of human possibility and traveled to another world. So, too, when you plant a team flag on your car, it signifies that you have expanded the realm of human depravity and traveled to yet another bandwagon. Congratulations! And may your bandwagon drive off a cliff."

So there you have it, pretty plain and simple instructions. Now if only you learned how to read good.

Need more???! Oh there's definitely more give it to 'em DJ!

CUBS BANDWAGON 411

Here's everything you need to know about bandwagon riding:
• The eight kinds of bandwagon fans and how to spot them
• Ten tips for bandwagoners
• History's biggest bandwagons
• 12 legendary victories a Cubs bandwagoneer must know
• Cubs bandwagon dictionary
• Cubs uniform guide

Hello SuperFan (damn you're sexy):

Check out that sweet "W" cape!

Freedom Fries & Free Runnin'

Back in college, when the air would get hot, the girl's skirts shorter and when the beer would flow like the Salmon of Capastrano; some fellow fraternity brothers would venture out on campus to reak inner campus havoc and go Bush jumpin' . This activity is EXACTLY what it sounds like (We weren't too creative with the naming of activities back then.) Simply, dudes jumping out of windows, off roofs, and overhangs into giant bushes (Ironically being the very shrubbery that our ridiculous tuitions were allocated to keep pristinely maintained.) And (grammatical sidenote: You aren't suppose to start a sentence with "and" but I say WHY NOT I'm a rebel!) if we were really adventurous we'd take it to the next level doing car wheels or even (whoah now!) flips. Afterwards we typically escaped with minor bruises cuts and scrapes and we would return to the house full of self worth and self gratification. If only we could've found a beer sponsor we were could've been interntional stars of stupidity. Alas I digress because this was before Youtube, so we returned to our amatuer careers as students. On any given weeknight or weekend and excluding theme parties and slip slides, this was THEE height of our entertainment in the good olde capital city. (I only wish I was joking.)

Much like technology and the Amish, our simple sport of cheap adrenaline seeking couldn't remain simple for long. Now there is a new breed of insanity on the streets call "free running" (I didn't know it cost money to run) or "Le Parkour" (whatever that means in French) Another example of the French trying to steal back part of the ideas/country we bought from them way back even before the Oregon Trail was a real efficient means of transportation. (Basically the French are BIG suckers) ps the Oregon trail game rocked!

This new breed of activity's name, however much like ours, does not do it justice. It SHOULD be called:
"craziestthingsahumancouldeverdowithoutdyingorshatteringeverybodypartLever2000hascounted"
Take your time to dissect that one, (brief pause) and then laugh out loud (a second but shorter pause), and then try to fit in on a SCRABBLE table.

These might be the most athletic people on Earth. Need an example? Well of course you do, so bust out the popcorn because here it is...

Thank God for the EURO

Laker vs. Celtics= ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and anyone who says differently is a liar. Minus a few Kobe heroics and some melo-drama from Paul Pierce, this series has been about as exciting as a Britney television sitcom cameo. (TV please stop trying to save her.)

Nothing is more annoying than an over hyped rematch of too past super dynasties. I'm not saying that a Spurs-Pistons or any another combination of the final four remaining teams would've been any better. Because it would'nt have sucked any less. I keep hearing... "This is the NBA finals, where ___ happens." and that is exactly what has happened so far: nothing. The series is 2-1 now and I couldn't be any less excited for game 4. I think if Boston plays just okay basketball they will be winning in 6 and if they actually play "professional" basketball will be raising the trophy in game 5 in LA. Done and Done Thank God and I couldn't be happier.

On the flipside however, the Chicago Cubs (my team for better or worse) are 41 and 24 as of today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes that is 41 wins and 24 losses and potentially could have 7 players in the upcoming Allstar game. Amazing what happens when you have Lou Pinella up in your face everyday. All and all, if it wasn't for the Euro 2008 I'd give up on professional sports til October and the return of Greg Oden to the Trailblazers.

If only Auct-tober was next week... (and screw Dane Cook you are not funny, (take a breath) in any way (another breath), at all (one more big breath), ever! (exclamation point) If making ridiculous jestures and loud obnoxious noises makes you are famous stand up comedian, then I've been the most famous comedian since I was two!

Straight outta Compton!

-B-

Death of a Hockey Salesman

First off, I love watching live hockey, its graceful yet violent exactly what a good sport should be. Secondly the United States, home of the majority of the NHL, seems to loathe the sport. Up in the shiny north aka Canada or what I refer to as "the loft above a really good party" absolutely loves this sport ( Lets face it that, is all they really have). Cannucks adore the damn sport more than they love their free health care (lucky ducks) and all the maple syrup in Saskatchewan.

Adversely in the US, hockey appears to be dwindling in popularity in the "professional" capacity. Did anyone realize that the Stanley Cup Finals just finished? Me neither. Even after the triple overtime game 4, (5th longest NHL game ever) I barely heard anyone debating around the water cooler about the intensity of the game. In fact, I didn't here anyone other than sports center analysts talking about it at all. What gives?

I don't know if its the fact that the general population doesn't understand how difficult of a sport hockey really is, or if there is truly a real lack of excitement. I mean fights aside (The only reason I watch any hockey) the excitement level of the sport is about the same level I had when I heard there was a Sex and the City movie being released. Hooray for a ten years later movie about NYC hoes 'n shoes! or whatever oh and a 2 star rating?? You GO Girrrrl! Oscars here we come! They should've released that movie under a double secret probation title like Sisterhood of the Traveling STDs. I digress...

Back to hockey... in the least rainbow way POSSIBLE I really enjoy ice skating as an activity and I think it should be a requirement for hockey haters to try. Seriously just try it, first try to even skate and then try to skate backwards, the try to do both while being knocked around more than Britney's career by 230 lb. hyped up goliaths.

Now that I think long and hard, I have a simple 3 step process fix for this problem:

1. Maybe the NHL needs to look at recruiting outside the "norm" like this amazing player.

2. Please just get rid of this guy altogether, Sports casting already has Craig Sager who's suits are outrageous but don't inflict automatic seizures.

3. Finally and MOST importantly the new "Savior of hockey" Sidney Crosby (age 17.75) needs to start dating the hottest girl available. Despite the sport's unpopularity, professional hockey players manage to date the hottest ladies on Earth. I suggest Megan Fox if she hasn't already made a terrible decision elsewhere in Hollyweird.

So thats my band-aid of a solution. Pretty awesome I know. Some smartee pants told me it is because we have so many other professional sports that the NHL falls by the wayside under golf and WNBA and the MLS (probably the most over rationalized excuse).

More than likely in the end hockey really IS a terribly boring sport to watch on TV and can only be enjoyed live spectable. I recommend attending a live game partnered with a cold overpriced nacho and 3 PBRs to get the full experience. Which is also just enough liquid courage for those unathletic dudes to yell at guys they'd cross the street for if they happened upon them in real life.

All and all I really just wanted an excuse to point out how bad the Sex and the City movie really is and that though majority America doesn't like hockey, any professional hockey player could stick kick all our angle side sides.

Tickets please, Bottoms Up and Enjoy.

Graduations are LONG but Entertaining

The word of the day was "Sesquicentennial " and with my cell phone on vibrate and a half tank (all I can afford these days) the posse and myself ventured down southwest for Linfield College's commencement ceremony. With the unknown ahead we ventured majestically in Mac-Vegas for the days festivities. In retrospect, I don't know what was better, seeing a giant painted sign banner "Congradulations" (think about it for a second... yehp... exactly what I thought terrible speller!) or the commencement speaker being the college's 99 years old retiring math professor and who started his career in teaching just 51 brief years after the college's founding. I pick option B. old educated gentleman...

This man was the most captivating speaker I've heard since attending Desmond Tutu's speech during my senior year and the dean of the White House press corps Helen Thomas (*see bio below) at my own college commencement. The 5000 person audience on that overcasted Sunday, quite honestly, could have listened to his anecdotes for the rest of their lives; we all were like little children listening to their favorite Dr. Seuss story white eating grahm crackers and drinking Capri Suns. I was actually disappointed when his speech ended. It was like the Neverending Story meets the grandpa telling The Princess Bride story kind of speech. He was so captivating that I really wanted get to buy a to go box of him and take him home with me. Even when he paused for a while to catch his breath, gather his thoughts and a drink of water, the weight of the cool June air only reflected the audience's childish impatience for his next delightful sentence.

I cannot even begin to do any hint of justice in the description of the amazing nature and poise of this man. His speech recalled the rapid changes he has experienced: from all 6 wars, the Great Depression, accidentally teaching math internationally in broken French, his traumatic 4th grade spelling bee defeat and also playing coyly on his current old age referring to himself as an "antique" of the college (seriously he did) His life is a true testament of continual education through experience and to wrap it up best in his words the secret is to, "Find something beautiful every single day... and take a moment to recognize it before moving on."

Oh yeah back to the graduation, so after 2.5 hours in a folding chair, and a million digital pictures taken I am really proud of my brother for graduating college (he had some sweet shoes on and a whole lot of cords and such around his neck as if he was smart or something) WELCOME TO THE CLUB BUDDY BOY! Now my family is 4 for 4 in college degrees and if Luke continues kicking ass we'll be 5 for 5 in 2011. I am also really glad it didn't rain on my seersucker suit because I looked sexified!

*Helen Thomas- For 40 years, journalist Helen Thomas, often called the dean of the White House press corps, sat front and center at the news conferences of eight U.S. presidents. As United Press International (UPI) White House correspondent and bureau chief, Thomas reigned over the Washington press and accompanied eight presidents on their travels around the globe. Thomas overcame many barriers against women journalists throughout her career. In 1959, she and other female journalists forced the then all-male National Press Club to let them attend a speech given to members by Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev. When the club finally opened its membership doors to women in 1971, Thomas became its first female officer. In 1972, she was the only woman print journalist allowed to travel with then President Nixon on his historic breakthrough trip to China. She has the distinction of having traveled around the world several times with Presidents Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Bush during the course of which she covered every economic summit. “The World Almanac” has cited her as one of the 25 Most Influential Women in America.

Some White Guys CAN Dance!

Insert a preemptive "I Told You SO!" (here) So just in case your jaw drops off while watching this you can't sue me, but Enjoy none-the-less!

http://www.break.com/index/i-think-he-can-dance.html